:: me and dad ::
Happy New Year! Let's hear it for 2012!
I've spent the last few days between Christmas and New Year reluctantly accepting that the passage of time is an incontrovertible reality. This, I appreciate sounds pretty ridiculous. I know one day follows another just as one year follows another but letting go of 2011 for me has felt like definitively leaving my dad 'in the past.' More distant, less immediate. So this New Year felt more of a landmark than any other. Now we're in 2012 and he died in 2011, time is passing and very suddenly I'm not living in the same year that my dad was alive anymore. It's hurting my head just writing this. Reflecting on this over the last few days has really been preoccupying my thoughts. The weather's not helping, the rain beating down, and then a horrible dose of cold and sore throat has just amplified the bits of the day when I'm feeling down.
:: Christmas Day 2009 ::
I've kept the grieving I am have for my dad largely out of what I (hopefully) consider to be more of a craft blog. But it's been underpinning each day and goes some way to explain why I have frequent blogging silence. Where I don't make time to craft or blog every day. I don't feel I have to either but it's just inescapable that his death last year has just changed my day to day in ways I hadn't considered. Dad absolutely loved Christmas. The last time I saw him on Christmas Day was Christmas 2009. He dressed up as Santa, his outfit from poundstretcher, the loose, thin felt beard barely staying on with it's terrible elastic and a golden virginia rollie firmly placed in one hand, a sack of presents in the other. It was the first Christmas Day I think I actually spent with him in 10 years. For one reason and another Christmas is a difficult time for my immediate family, along I know with what sounds like 80% of the country! Two parents who can't (couldn't) and won't (wouldn't) be in the same room. Four daughters. Lots of previously unhappy Christmas's. So having not spent many recent Christmas's with him I didn't think Christmas would be something to 'get through' as some people had said. And apart from waking up on Christmas morning with a sore throat I didn't have to 'get through' it at all. The flurry of excitement with the children, a windswept walk on the promenade and good food and lots of playing made it just about the most perfect Christmas you could ask for. It was celebratory, joyful and relaxed, really very happy. But, in the evening I once again remembered I had no more chances to include dad in any of these memories and I ached for how he must have felt each Christmas when he didn't see us.
Things have shifted though slightly*, the rain is still heavy but by Friday night I started to feel less like lying on the sofa all day feeling flat, heavy and achy and more like heading out to the park with the children and going for a run in the evening. It is so good to work your way through feeling sick and appreciate a great day isn't it! The running thing is really pretty hard after a week off though and doing so in the pouring rain? Well, half an hour was more than enough for me, I didn't really think training in December and January through! Training begins in earnest again this week. I am so looking forward to running the Brighton Half in February with my sisters, in what I suppose is a tribute to dad - it's exciting! And I'm determined to beat my Great North Run Time though I've yet to lay my hands on the time.
For me a big part of 2012 will be about keeping myself healthy and happy. There are a few events I'd like to take part in to encourage me to keep my fitness up. Obviously there's the Brighton Half in Feb but I've signed up to register my interest in the Royal Park Half and if I'm lucky (and I can fit it in) I've also signed up to register interest in the British Heart Foundation's London to Brighton Bike Ride.
Will have to get a bike first though, definitely lacking the necessary equipment at the moment!
I got an email from myself yesterday. I wrote it on 7th December 2010 on www.futureme.org and had completely forgotten about it. It told me I was near to burning out ( a familiar cry in December I think ) I needed to work out ways to make myself feel better, less tired, the usual thing for a mum with two small children. I felt a bit sad reading it and then thinking about the year that followed but I'd like to give myself a bit of a pat on the back for starting running again, establishing much more of a yoga practice - I really do my best to squeeze in a class each week and on the days I don't run I spend time working through a routine. I've cut out wheat when I eat which has helped me so much. I plan to blog on this soon because it's really been life changing for me. The last time I had wheat was a burger bap on my birthday. I was asleep 15 minutes later. Seriously, my body shuts down when I consume wheat. I could never understand why I was desperate to sleep after breakfast (toast or cereal) lunch (cous cous, pasta, bread) or dinner (invariably something that implicated wheat) and that need to nap has gone. It makes a few choices problematic, I can 'feel' it in gravy's and sauces so I have to be careful if I'm out and I'm buying food but it's not been as hard to cut out as I anticipated. I'm also a bit of a green smoothie convert now, another thing I plan to blog on. I drink one or two of these a day - kale has become one of my grocery necessities, the results with my skin are so much more impressive than the course of antibiotics I was working my way through earlier in the year. I think I have Polly to thank for steering me in this direction but I've been getting loads of support from books and websites that I'd really recommend checking out if you're at all interested.
Yes, unfortunately I haven't been able to not pick up the lurgy in December - (from what I gather few people have managed to avoid it this year) but I certainly want a year of more energy this year and I think those two changes I made over the last year will really make the difference between 2011 and 2012.
Bring on 2012 and all the possibilities it offers! I am really looking forward to it.
*written before the hospital visit in the middle of the night with George! Tonsilitus. Explains ALOT of this week.